A day in the life
by OneArmedPuppet
Summary: lA day in the life of our favorite Harry Potter characters. Will disaster be averted? If not, you're still in for some laughs. Cowritten by the wonderful, and much more talented than I am, Ilovegollum.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or settings used in this story. For that matter, I don't own _any_ of the nouns, pronouns, adjectives, conjunctions, verbs, adverbs, prepositions, or other words used in this story (except for the name "gretria"). Hah! Now neither J.K. Rowling nor Webster (maker of the dictionary) can sue me.

A day in Herbology

Neville barely managed to scamper away from potions class with his life and his toad. How was he supposed to know the potion wasn't supposed to be purple and fizzy? Was it his fault that the lid to the bat wings fell off into his cauldron? But it didn't matter, he could live with Snape because his next class was his favorite. If it weren't for Herbology, Neville wouldn't be at Hogwarts. Not only because they'd expel him for failing, but because he simply wouldn't be able to bear it.

He stumbled into greenhouse three exactly 2.7 seconds before class started. Before he could get five feet in from the door, he was seized by a monstrous pair of fangs. Whatever it was began shaking him vigorously by the scruff of his neck. Professor Sprout rushed to Neville's rescue.

"Now back off, you!" She commanded, giving the strange plant a good whack on what looked somewhat like a neck. Neville landed in a pile on the floor while the plant recoiled into its pot and burst into flame, seemingly in retaliation. "Have a seat," Professor Sprout said.

As Neville took his seat at a table with Ron, Harry, and Hermione, most of the class stared at him in open-mouthed surprise. Those closest to the row of monstrous plants eyed them nervously and inched their table away.

"Does anyone know what these plants are called?" asked professor Sprout as she stroked one of the monsters. The students inched farther away. Hermione pouted when Professor Sprout overlooked her wildly waving hand, but put it down when she noticed Neville's hand inching up. "Yes?"

"It's a conniving fire gretrium

"Very good, Neville. Ten points to Gryffindor!"

Ron flashed Neville a grin, which turned to a look of horror as he saw what Professor Sprout held in her hand.

"Wha-What are th-those for? You're not going to open it, are you?"

"Nonsense, Ronald. Why would I have you here if you weren't going to _do_ anything? You," she said, addressing the whole class, "are going to feed the conniving fire gretria. Just watch out for the fangs, they're poisonous. And the flame spurts are _extremely_ unpredictable, so stay on your toes. If you run out of food, I have more. You'll know if they're still hungry. Ronald, would you like to go first? Now, everyone put on your fireproof gloves."

Ron trembled as she offered him a jar swarming with live, furry, black spiders. He gingerly picked one up between his thumb and forefinger, flinging it at the plant. Enormous jaw-like structures snapped, and Parvati Patil screamed as the spider landed in her hair and the plant swiveled towards her.

"Ronald! Try again, please. More carefully this time."

Ron looked as if he was going to be sick, but reached valiantly into the jar again, this time making it near enough that the jaws caught their prey.

"Very good! One plant per table. I have enough spiders for everyone."

Ron sat down again, looking white as a sheet. Neville gave him a weak smile, while Harry and Hermione held back guffaws. Finally, Harry could hold it in no longer. He doubled over at the renewed look of terror on Ron's face as Professor Sprout handed them their supply of spiders.

"Harry!" shouted Hermione indignantly, wrinkling her nose and picking up a spider to dangle over a pair of jaws.

The rest of the class also began to feed their conniving fire gretria. Screams could be heard as smoke billowed through the greenhouse. Lavender Brown was escorted out of the classroom cradling what had once been a working arm. After looking around wildly for some escape and seeing none, Ron fainted, falling to the floor and knocking over a jar of spiders.

Harry apparently took too long for the plants, and he was soon screaming, trying desperately to put out the flames. Hermione dowsed him with a spell, accidentally spraying Professor Sprout in the eye as she bent over to help lift Ron and take him to the Hospital Wing.

Hermione and Neville carried Ron out of the greenhouse. Harry followed, trying to ignore the burns from wrist to shoulder. Professor Sprout, deciding that third-years weren't old enough to handle the perils of greenhouse three, ordered the remaining seven students out of the greenhouse and promptly locking the door.


End file.
